Introduction
When I was preparing for my First Holy Communion there was very little instruction on how to make a good confession. Well, there was very little preparation for anything except for how to make a religiously themed arts and crafts project. Later, when I went through RCIA to complete my Sacraments of Initiation (insert long story here) the preparation was better but certainly not what I would now consider adequate for an adult with adult problems. The class that I took on hearing confessions when I was in priestly formation was excellent, but even that lacked a few things that I've since discovered as a priest. So, with many hundreds of hours (if not thousands at this point) of hearing confessions under my belt I would like to offer some guidance for people who would like to make a good, integral confession that not only restores one's relationship to God but is also a true experience of emotional and spiritual healing.
Preparing for Confession
Let's begin with the basics. A good confession doesn't begin in the confessional or in the confessional line. A good confession begins with a daily examination of conscience. Traditionally, this is done in the evening before you go to bed. The idea is that as you say your evening prayers you take a moment to reflect on how you could have meet the day's challenges more virtuously and then make a resolution to do better. This should be brief. This practice will also help you identify any mortal sins you may have committed so that you know it's time to get to confession. In addition to the daily examination of conscience it's wise to do a weekly more in-depth examination. There are many good resources for this. I prefer the one written by Fr. John Hardon, SJ, of happy memory. There are also resources on the USCCB website and there are a number of mobile apps that have resources for making a good examination of conscience. If an in-depth weekly examination of conscience is too much for you, because of time, attention, or energy, it's okay. Just make sure that you make a thorough examination of conscience before you get in the confessional line.
My next bit of advice will be controversial depending on who you speak to. I think it's perfectly acceptable to write down a list of one's sins. Some people have advised against this in the past for fear of engendering scrupulosity. However, if you understand the two forms of scrupulosity (that of the intellect and that of the will) well, then you will quickly realize that this practice will do nothing of the sort. In fact, for some manifestations of scrupulosity it can serve as a remedy. So, keep a journal. This will help you remember what you need to confess. If you are anything like me, then trying to remember things since your last confession can get a little hazy at times.
Now that you've done the pre-game workout, it's time to wait in line. I personally use this time for two purposes. I use the time to pray to the Holy Spirit that I will make a worthy confession and then pray a rosary or chaplet of divine mercy to pass the time in peace. I consider waiting in line part of the penance! This is an opportunity to reflect on the vastness of God's mercy and to pray for your fellow penitents who are there to make their confession. In addition, you could pray for all those who need to come to confession but do not or cannot for some reason or another.
In "The Box"
When you get into the confessional the ritual begins with the sign of the cross and after a brief statement by the priest the customary formula is to say, "Bless/Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been 'n' days/weeks/months/years since my last confession, I am (insert state of life here) and these are my sins." This introduction is important for the priest hearing the confession. A good confessor will take that information and tailor his counsel based on these details. In particular, a person's state of life is extremely important. In my experience it significantly modifies the way I hear a confession and give counsel. Following this preamble you simply confesses the sins that you have identified, with the aid of your conscience, since your last confession and also any unconfessed mortal sins from the past that may have been recently remembered. I'll say more about this last detail later.
The Council of Trent decreed that there are three things a person must confess for an integral confession. The formal terms used for these three things are: species, number, and circumstance. These are often misunderstood so let's define our terms. The term species that we use here is in contradistinction to genre. In other words, it's not sufficient to confess a generality. Instead one must confess an act. Let me give you an example. On occasion a person will come into the confessional and in the course of the confession he will say he was angry three times. Now, laying aside the question about emotions for a moment, let's focus on the item confessed. Being angry three times doesn't tell me what the person did that has brought him to the confessional. When this happens I will often say to the penitent, "Sins are actions not passions. What did you do as a result of your anger that is bothering your conscience?" Eventually the person will discover the action and then we can move on. Remember this. When you are tempted to be generic that's the most important time to be specific. Name the sin so, by God's grace, you can cast it out. The next part is the number of times you chose that immoral action since your last confession. This should be self-explanatory. The last is circumstance. Please understand that this does not mean the story surrounding the sin. In this case what is meant by circumstance is all those things that might mitigate or exacerbate your culpability, that is, your moral responsibility, for the action. A man forced to commit a crime still commits the crime, but the lion's share of responsibility rests on those who forced him.
The instructions I just provided can be difficult for some people. There are many reasons for this. Sometimes a person may feel that they don't feel sorry for their sins unless they articulate the whole story that led to the sin. Sometimes people feel the need to shift blame in their narrative. Sometimes people just haven't prepared for confession well and have to talk through their life story. All of these inclinations and any other that would cause a person to depart from the simple formula of species, number, and circumstance (if any) should be recognized as a temptation and treated as such. A good confessor can hear the human story behind the sins and will ask prudent questions if necessary. Allow him to ask. Be satisfied if he does not.
At this point you may receive some counsel, a satisfactory penance will be assigned, and you will then be asked to make an Act of Contrition. I recommend the traditional formula. It contains all of the necessary parts that will help you grow in the spiritual life. The trick is not to allow the formula to become something that you just speak with your lips. Rather, meditate on the words and their implications. You can find a lot of wise guidance in the simple prayers we were asked to memorize in our youth. Speak the words with your heart. This will help you develop the right sentiments of contrition. At this point the priest will then offer absolution and pronounce the dismissal. Confession complete!
What not to confess
Everyone has heard stories of priests telling a penitent that something they confessed wasn't a sin. Well, sometimes the priest is right, sometimes he isn't. Priests are human too. But, then again, so are you. Sometimes things feel like they are sins but they really aren't. This confusion can happen because of the way we were raised, the culture we live in, or other causes like mental, spiritual, or emotional disturbances. The contrary is also true. Sometimes we have sinned and don't even know it. Either way, this stems from an imperfectly formed conscience. Allow me to articulate a few things that ought not be confessed. It's not uncommon for people to confess emotions. This is likely because many people are told that certain emotions are acceptable and some are not. However, God created our emotions. They are not a result of Original Sin. What is a result of the effects of Original Sin is the disorder of the passions. Because we struggle with these effects, we can often act disproportionately out of our emotions. It's that disproportionate action that ought to be confessed, not the emotion behind it.
Sometimes pride can be found in subtile places. One place it can be found is in shifting blame for one's own sins on to another, even in part. I believe it was Mother Angelica who jokingly said, "I'd be a saint if it wasn't for all of you." Ha! Well, in the confessional we shouldn't reference the sins of others. Now, to be fair, sometimes this does fit as a valid circumstance. But you should ask yourself, before you justify accosting your sibling by recalling to the priest how she looked at you funny, whether that cross-eyed look she gave you actually compelled you to knock her tooth loose or not. Probably not.
Never confess sins that you have already confessed (with one exception). Sometimes the gravity of our past sins is so great that we carry them with us even after we have confessed them and made satisfaction by way of the assigned penance. Some people will, in a desire to be free of the guilt, anxiety, sorrow, etc., confess already confessed sins over and over again. This is not spiritually healthy. There is only one occasion when confessing already confessed sins is spiritually healthy and that is if you are making a General Confession under the care of a Spiritual Director or regular Confessor who is helping you prepare for a major event like marriage, ordination, or some type of religious or secular consecration. Otherwise, do not confess already confessed sins. What you are likely experiencing is your conscience tugging at your heart to satisfy justice. In other words, the penance assigned for your sins by the priest may not have been enough to satisfy justice. You can address this by merely taking on a simple and fitting penance for that past offense until you feel as if you have made sufficient reparation for it. Don't confuse this with whether you have been forgiven or not. We can be certain of our forgiveness when the priest pronounces the words of absolution. Remember, if you experience this continued or lurking feeling of guilt about sins already confessed, it is not about forgiveness. The feeling is merely about the need to make a fuller restitution than you have already done so far. So, assign yourself a penance!
Now what?
When you have left the confessional it is wise to immediately fulfill your penance if possible. The sooner the better. We are forgetful, busy creatures. It's easy to forget to do our assigned penance. If you cannot do it right away, make sure you make satisfaction as soon as possible. Also, you should consider how best to implement the counsel given by the priest so that you can grow in the spiritual life. After that, say an Act of Thanksgiving so that you can express your gratitude to God for offering you the great gift of his unfailing mercy.
