Observance
I was having a conversation with one of our brothers about the peculiarities of our Dominican life. He lives in an adjacent cell. As a result, through the wall, he got to hear the numerous joy filled phone calls I made to close friends and family after I received word that I had been approved for Solemn Vows. He thought it was really cool to hear the repeated excitement expressed in each new call. He told me that since he entered the Order he had missed hearing those kind of emotional outbursts — the delight in life. He shared that he was slightly disturbed by the emotionally subdued texture of our day to day life. It was a great conversation. It prompted me to reflect on the various reasons for the powerful eruptions of my emotional states. For me, this is a new thing. It has only fully taken hold since I entered Religious Life.
We deliberately apply the word 'regular' to our life. This is because from the moment we wake to the time we go to bed our life is regulated. It is ordered. I felt this most strongly in the Novitiate. It was almost as if, between the hours of sleep, we moved from prayer to food to study without any variation. It was a difficult process at first. It was disturbing. Getting into a regulated habitual way of living can be difficult, to say the least. This is especially true if you have been accustomed to making your own schedule as I had become. But, over the years it has become quite normal — profoundly regular.
Over the near six years of my religious life this regularity has taken its toll. I do nearly everything in a stable routine. And sure enough, with such regularity comes what could be characterized as a dull, muted life, lacking in spontaneity. But it isn't. The surprise is that this regularity makes the affective aspects of life so much more spectacular. The austerity of our chapel has taught me to marvel at the beauty of color and natural forms. The silence we observe has taught me to cherish every sound, especially the sound of the human voice. The ordered schedule makes the days of celebration all the more joyful and the days of sorrow all the more dark. Our regularity makes life more spectacular just as fasting makes food more delightful.
Six years of this way of life has had an amazing effect on me. What will fifty years bring?
Priest Defies Church
Well, it looks like a priest has finally jumped the shark on the issue of women and priestly ordination. Mr. Bourgeois went so far as to preach the homily at a simulated ordination.
This time the Holy See hit back:
““With patience, the Holy See and the Maryknoll Society have encouraged his reconciliation with the Catholic Church,” said a statement from the Maryknoll Society Nov. 19.
“Instead, Mr. Bourgeois chose to campaign against the teachings of the Catholic Church in secular and non-Catholic venues. This was done without the permission of the local U.S. Catholic Bishops and while ignoring the sensitivities of the faithful across the country.”
“Disobedience and preaching against the teaching of the Catholic Church about women’s ordination led to his excommunication, dismissal and laicization.””
Remember this quote. Trust me, the media will carefully neglect to inform us that this man was only dismissed from his Order and the clerical state after a long period of negotiations and attempts at reconciliation. Likely, it will be framed as a draconian move by ecclesiastical despots.
Accepted
Who knew that the heights joy were unreachable apart from God?
I've spent my whole life seeking after something I didn't fully understand. I've failed at nearly everything I've set about doing. Today, however, I've finally attained to my heart's desire. Today the brothers with whom I live have confirmed my vocation. I was approved to place my heart into the Dominican life until death. The brothers approved me to take Solemn Vows. I've been granted the privilege to place my hands in the Provincial's hands and gift my life long obedience to the Order.
I can't properly express what I feel right now. All I keep saying in my head is, "The brothers love me too. The brothers love me too!" God is just too good! The emotional highs and lows I've experienced in the last few days are unbelievable. I've experienced many incarnations of love throughout my life. I've gone from place to place and person to person seeking. I sought both high and low, on the heights and in the valleys. This is the first time, however, where the peril was so great that I couldn't think straight anymore. Perhaps this will give an insight into my previous post for my readers.
It's so dangerous to put your heart in such a vulnerable situation. It is terrifying to trust other broken people with such a precious and fragile part of yourself. But, what a pay off! I'm filled with so much joy right now that I'm ready to burst. My expectations of how I would feel, how I would react, have been blown apart. What a wondrous mystery. I finally understand what St. Theresa of Avila means by sober inebriation. What a marvelous consolation.
O God ... how wondrous are your designs!
Depression
The funny thing about depression is that it isn't sad. At least, not in my experience.
The sources of my own depression are primarily two-fold. The first is the deep effect my parent's divorce had on me. I know my family reads this blog (hi mom!) so I want them to know that this is not an indictment. Life is what life is. However, truth is true. The trust, stability, and security that one is supposed to experience as a child is forever radically ruptured. Trust becomes difficult or even impossible. This in turn makes love all that more ungraspable. Also, it makes you a little crazy. You begin to think that it is essential for you to be perfect so that you are never abandoned. This is a big fat lie. It is a lie whispered in your ear by Satan and it is lie you constantly tell yourself.
As you get older you realize that perfection is always out of reach. In fact, as I get older it is becoming harder to be perfect. The body and the mind become betrayers. If this perfectionism takes over completely it can lead you into some pretty scary places. The anger that you feel over your imperfections can turn into a very sorry and unfruitful state of life. If you have experienced this sort of emotional self-mutilation you know what I mean. It makes you depressed. You look in the mirror and all you can see is failure. There is little to no consolation for this feeling. You start seeking consolation in the wrong places and usually in the wrong way. This can manifest in any number of compulsions be they sexual, emotional, or activity related compulsions. It is a deep dark rabbit hole that can be very hard to escape once entered.
The other source is from when I was an Undergrad at Texas A&M. My Sophomore year we had a tragedy on campus that forever changed many lives including my own. While our annual Bonfire was being built it collapsed eventually killing 13 people and injuring hundreds. I knew 4 of those who died. Three of them were friends and one, Chris, was one of the freshman in my Corps of Cadets outfit. The last time I saw Chris alive I was being less than kind to him.
Perspective. Death and destruction gives you perspective. You realize that some things can never be undone. On the flip-side you also realize just how precious human life really is. either way, the first time you encounter this it is extremely traumatizing. The first time you encounter mortality in all of its brutality it shakes the very ground upon which you stand. When this happened to me I was immobilized. I didn't eat, I couldn't sleep well. When I did sleep, I couldn't muster the will to get up for our morning activities or go to class. The fire that had been in my heart and been smothered.
This is the feeling of depression. It is the feeling of the inner fire of life being smothered. It isn't a sadness so much as it is a deadness, a numbness. Initially this feeling came upon me because of extreme events in my life. Now, like a chronic illness it is something that just arrises. I never know when it is going to happen. One day I'm on top of the world, the next I'm lower than the foundations of the world. The worst part of it all is that I never recognize what it is until it's almost past. While I'm being held tightly by this feeling it seems normal. It is like an old worn pair of jeans that fit perfectly and comfortably. But, the reality is that it is the opposite of normal. Where there should be feeling there is only numbness.
I think that some people will never fully understand or appreciate this. They interpret my dulled spirit erroneously. Or, maybe, I just think they do. This is part of the problem. The shame of depression. No matter how normal or how clinical depression is made, it is still shaming. The American in me wants to try to hike myself up by my bootstraps and carry on. But it's not that simple. When I'm in the grips of depression I have neither hands to lift with nor bootstraps to grasp. I'm stuck in a state I don't even realize I'm in. When I begin to realize I feel the shame set in. And, like a tortious, back into the shell I go.
This is why I'm eternally grateful for good company. My family is exceptional even in all their flaws. They love intensely as befits Latinos. I've never felt unloved by them. I am fortunate. I understand God's love because I've experienced true unconditional love from my family. They have never allowed their own faults and failings to get in the way of their love for me. This doesn't stave off depression but it does make it bearable. I'm eternally grateful for my 'Buddy' Matt. When I was at my lowest after the collapse of the Bonfire he lit a fire under me, moving me, by the force of his will, and care, out of the depths of depression. Good friends and good family – I'm lucky.
This, I think, has led me to where I am today. I just crawled out of one of these states. One pretty nasty occasion of it I might say. But, the goodness of my Dominican Brothers, their care and concern, their willingness to let me talk through my irrational emotional states has been my consolation. It's funny, they are a fusion of both friends and family. But, why? How? These guys are just a bunch of odd guys who dress funny and live a life inconceivable to most people. Why do they care? How can they care so much? I think it's because they love God. In loving God you can love anything that God loves. In loving God you can hate anything that God hates. As you live this Dominican life, this Christian life, and grow in the capacity to love God more and more you are empowered to love others more and more. I'm for the first time grateful for my depression. I hate it, but I'm grateful. God has willed me to become weak so that I can be an object of charity for others.
My weakness has become salvific.
Obedience
There are two ways to break a window. Either, you can shatter it with a single blow or, you can make a thousand tiny cracks in it. In the end the result is the same. Obedience is similar. Most often, however, we break obedience in those little ways. The large dramatic ones are more rare.
I recognize this all the time in myself and in others. Instead of conforming our will to the will of our superior, our spouse, our boss, or God we often try to duck under it or get around it. There are so many ways to do this that it would just be silly to list them. Plus, I think we all have plenty of personal experience with how we habitually break obedience. But, sometimes we break it without even realizing. An example is when we try to figure out how we can spin a command to align it to my own wants, desires, and needs. But, the virtue of obedience is not to conform the command to me. Rather, it is to conform myself to the command given.
St. Thomas Aquinas has the coolest understanding of obedience that I've come across. It comes from a deep understanding of human nature and a similarly deep understanding of human interactions. He tells us that it is not for the one commanded to pass judgment on the wisdom of the command given. Rather, the one commanded should strive to promptly fulfill the command. However, the one commanded is must determine the time and the place to fulfill the command. Of course, this assumes that the command given is not intrinsically evil.
There is a lot packed into this understanding of obedience. I won't bore you with a complete breakdown. Hopefully, you can see how he beautifully balances human freedom with obedience. What is not clear in this brief statement is the relationship of obedience to God's providence. This is a point that is often forgotten this days. Even in religious life there is a deficit in our understanding of who God's providence interacts with the will of the superior. In my own Order this unity of Divine Providence with the will of the superior was expressed in the formula for written commands. The command would say something like, "it is our will and the will of the Holy Spirit that you ..." Maybe this formula should be restored to help us remember how God fits into things when we receive a command that we don't particularly like. It may helps us remember that we are not to pass judgement on the wisdom of the command given.
There are essentially two reasons why we don't question the wisdom of the command given by the superior. First, we assume the good. Our constant principle for interpreting the actions and words of others must be the principle of charity. We must assume that the one giving the commands is doing his best for everyone concerned. The second reason is because the superior stands in the place of God when he is giving a command. He may not know it. You may not see it. But, God is the master of everything. We can trust that God will work for the good through the commands of someone he has placed over you. This is a scary thought. This means that God has chosen some slob to be the instrument of his will in your life. Well, yeah. But, to some degree we're all slobs. This is, again, why we obey through charity. We assume the good. It sounds naive but it's the right thing to do and its the right way to act. Trust God, trust your superiors, and trust yourself.
Techno-nightmare
I really hate when technology gets in the way.
I've spent the better part of two days getting my techno-self back in order. First it started with Wordpress. I was pretty happy with it as far as a free service goes. Then it started including obnoxious adds into my posts. Now, I have nothing against ads on free sites or services. The problem is with how it is done. I abandoned Google over a year ago because their Privacy Policy became creepy. Well, yesterday, I left Wordpress because they started including video ads in my posts in such a way that it appeared like I was linking to some random video. It was dishonest. Creepy Google & sneaky Wordpress. Then, this morning I couldn't use my iPod Touch with headphones. Somehow, while I was sleeping, a large piece of pocket lint crept into the headphone jack. It was small enough to get in but it was large enough to deny access. It was pressed so far in that it was unremovable. Honestly, I was having a few other problems with the iPod so it occasioned an opportunity to drop by one of the local Apple Stores.
I love the Apple Store
Anyway, I hate when technology gets in the way. Good technology should get out of the way so you can create awesome stuff. Fortunately, in this case, technology getting in the way is providing an opportunity for me to do some awesome stuff. My frustration with Wordpress got me to make my transition to SquareSpace. I love SquareSpace. Not only are their hosting and creation tools wonderful, the folks who run the place are heroic. You should have heard what they did to keep things running in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. I had wanted to make this move for a while but I was worried about the cost. Fortunately a benefactor came forward to help with a portion of the cost. Also, my overheating (yes ... overheating!!!), plugged up iPod Touch was replaced by a new pristine iPod Touch.
So, two parts of my techno-life are in reboot. I'm pretty happy with the site, I'm pretty happy to have a new iPod Touch. I'm happy that someone has offered their charity to help me continue this ministry. So, I guess this is the modern world equivalent of God writing straight with crooked lines. It really is amazing. Yes, my time is in the can, but God can do some pretty cool things with otherwise useless frustrations. I guess we need to be like good technology too. We should get out of the way so God can make awesome stuff.
Now that the new site is live, take some time to look around. I've organized some things a little better than on my Wordpress site. I've also added a web form for contacting me. You will also notice that I added a donate page. Currently there is only a link to the main Donation page for my Province. Over time I will add other benefactor opportunities. I have a few things that need to be funded that I have permission to do but have yet to move forward on them. I always beg for the Order when I speak, it probably good that I do so when I write.
I hope you enjoy experiencing the new site as much as I enjoy creating it.
Relationships
When I was younger I had so many poorly formed ideas about life, the universe, and everything. 42 just wasn't a sufficient answer. So, I concocted a number of half-baked theories about life. I still have a lot of half-baked theories about life. I guess the difference is that I'm willing to challenge them these days. One of these was about relationships. Not romantic ones, just relationships. I found it fascinating that in all the possibilities of life we encounter people who, on a sliding scale, become deep personal friends or are momentary, seemingly insignificant chance encounters never to be seen again. I was obsessed with that moment of encounter. It is, after all, an amazing thing. The intersection of two lives changes both lives forever. Maybe this is why I became so attached to the philosophy of Personalism. My problem was that I was so entranced by the encounter itself that I lost sight of its purpose.
If we believe in the sovereignty of God over all things we should hopefully see his hand in each encounter. With this in mind my question has changed. I'm still entranced by the mystery of meeting another. Now, however, I want to know why God allowed me to have this new relationship. Why now? Why do I retain older relationships? Why have I lost touch with others? It sounds a little hippie to me but I want to know how God is speaking to me through the other and how God is speaking to them through me. I have no real answers here. I just thought I'd share one of my random thoughts.
I hope you want to know this sort of think too.
Holy Obligation
Today I rejoiced. The USCCB approved what I think is the most important liturgical project it has recently engaged. Today the Bishops approved a new translation project for the Liturgy of the Hours. Finally! The Roman Missal was a giant step in the renewal of the whole English speaking Catholic world. This will be no less of a renewal. But it is a renewal with a narrower scope. This, I think, will be a large step toward the renewal of the clergy and religious. You see, we take on the obligation to pray with and for the Church in the Liturgy of the Hours. It is our Holy Obligation, hence the name: Divine Office. It is a sanctification of all time and all space, hence the name: Liturgy of the Hours. The Office, as it is tersely referred to, is not a private devotion. It is a public act of Worship. It is not undertaken for the sake of building the virtue of religion in the one who is praying it. Rather it is prayed for the salvation of the whole world.
However, one who prays the Office faithfully cannot help but be changed by it. Such repetition begins to form one's thinking, one's actions, one's prayer life. Holy habits are just as formative, and addictive, as profane habits. I know it has dramatically effected my own life. My favorite psalms are always whirling through my mind during the day. But more than that, the very schedule of my day is literally ordered around the celebration of the Divine Office. It permeates everything a cleric or religious does.
Something that is so deeply infused into the life of the cleric or religious is going to deeply form him. The Mass is a big part of this, but I think the Divine Office is a much bigger influence on those obliged to keep it. I'm really excited by this move. It is a tangible point of demarcation in the effort to renew the clergy and religious in our country.
Now, if we could only get Rome to re-reform the structure of the Office.
Universal Call to Holiness
We all hear about the need to be holy. God tells us. The priest tells us. Mother Angelica tells us. Our Grandmother's tell us. But what does it mean for each of us to have a personal vocation from God to be holy? Yes! Each of us. Essentially it has to do with our baptism. Baptism turns us into something new. A baptized person is essentially different than an unbaptized person. Why? When you were baptized you were grafted onto the Mystical Body of Christ. Just like grafting in horticulture the new limb takes on some of the attributes of the plant to which it has been newly joined. We are joined to Christ. We begin to participate in his nature. We are divinized. In this identification with Christ we specifically participate in his role as priest, prophet, and king.
Our baptismal call is to live out these roles with gusto. Religious life is merely a radical intensification of what all Christians are called to do — how all Christians are called to live. Each of us are called by God on account of our baptism to live a life radically united to him. Look to how a Religious ought to live. That is how you ought to strive to live too. So, you have children and a job. Do what you can. It was said that the house St. Dominic grew up in was more like a Monestary than that of a minor noble and knight. Being a layman is no excuse for neglecting the more rigorous aspects of a radically lived Christian life.
Being baptized has consequences. Christ accepts no half measures. We are held to a higher standard because of the nature we participate in through baptism. His nature! This means all the baptized. Those who poorly live the Christian life, those who deny it, and those who try to live faithfully are all called to the radicality demanded by Christ. All are accountable to God for living that call or for squandering their life following worldly allurements. We too, those actively seeking holiness, must take care. We have an obligation to help all the baptized live this Christian radicality. We must take care that we do not place unnecessary obstacles in the path of those weaker or immature in their faith. We must not build up loads that we are unwilling to carry.
We must always remember that we are sinners. We are afflicted. None of use, myself included, live up to the life required by the Gospel. Therefore we must have mercy on each other. This does not mean we look the other way when a brother sins. On the contrary, we must hold him accountable. But, this accountability is for reconciliation. We are not so much interested in punishment. We are interested in getting people back on the right path. We want to build up not tear down. We are all in various stages of this life. We must try to help each other limp along the path. We must strive to help each other get to heaven. This is what it means to love one another as Christ has loved us.
Christian BE what you already ARE!
Contemplative?
As a Dominican I am supposed to have a "Contemplative" life. But, what does that mean? I'm not a Monk. My job in the Church is not to simply pray with and for the Church. St. Jerome said that the job of the monk is to weep for his sins and the sins of the world. Yes, St. Dominic wept. But, instead of radically abandoning the world like a monk does, St. Dominic radically entered the world. He didn't turn away, he turned toward. Of course there is an immediate problem with this. The temptation is to abandon one's self to the work of the apostolate. You must "get a job" or "do" ministry. If you don't focus your life on these "works" then it is obvious that you must not have a "love of the people." You should find another Order. But, this "works righteousness" approach to Religious life, to Dominican life, is absurd. It is rooted in the very Pelagianism that we were founded to combat.
We must be prepared to engage the world. We cannot afford to plunge into the depths of the world armed simply with our habit, our talents, and hard work. We need the grace of God before all else. If we are not intentionally seeking the face of God in our common life (both privately and communally) then we will be a broken tool in the hand of the Lord. Yes, we may drive a few nails; but, eventually our rusty head will snap from its shaft and we will be fit only for the trash heap.
It is a mistake to set aside time for contemplation. We are called to live a life permeated by contemplation. This is not something opposed to the active apostolate. Rather, it precedes it and gives it depth. Without it we will always be lacking in our apostolic ministry. This, contemplative life begins with our common regular observances. It is from these observances that we come to understand the Lord as a community as Dominicans. From there we seek the prayer of study and meditation. We then go out into the world to pass on the fruits of this private and communal contemplation. But, even this going out into the world must have a contemplative character to it. We don't leave the life of contemplation back in the cloister! Contemplation is not something or the choir stall for the cell. It's having our entire being focused on the Lord. It is one thing to say this and give it lip-service. Many professed Religious do. It is another think to live it.
We Dominican's must recapture this life of contemplation. We are not social workers, we are not Diocesan priests who wear white, nor are we monks. We are Dominicans. We are scholars who sing. We are monks in the city. We are preachers. We must live out the life as defined in our Constitutions. We must love and appropriate our entire 800 year tradition continually seeking reform and renewal. We must be zealous for the Lord and equally zealous for the salvation of souls. We must reside in the heart of our Holy Mother the Church. We must constantly seek the face of God. We must not give in to the workaholic tendencies of the modern western world. We must not seek to be relevant. We must not seek to be popular. We must not seek any worldly laurels. We must not appropriate the relativism and subjectivism of our age. Rather, we must chase after Christ and him crucified without fail. In the radical following of Christ, there can be no compromise.
But, as with all things, reform and renewal always begins at home. It is not enough to live the Dominican life faithfully. It must be lived zealously. We must rise up like Matthias Maccabaeus, confident in the truth, reliant on the Lord, and courageous in our actions. Anything less is unworthy of those blessed brothers who preceded us. We have a family name to uphold. We must, once again, take up the banner of Christ, armed with contemplation, study, and penance. We must make war against those powers that seek to drive us into our cloister walls. We must help all of Christ's faithful avoid mediocrity. This is our time! Now, is the time for the rebirth of the Order.
The New Evangelization beckons!
