Musical Guest
I would like to introduce my readers to my friend Frank La Rocca. He is an amazing composer. The first time I heard his music was at St. Margaret Mary's Parish in Oakland, CA. He had written a Mass in honor of the ICRSS priest's 25th anniversary of Ordination. It was an experience that I will always cherish.
“Drawing upon influences as diverse as Josquin, Byrd, Stravinsky, George Crumb and Arvo Pärt, his music has been described as possessing a “luminous beauty” with “a profound sacred sensibility” and as “a modern evocation of the radiant spirituality of ancient chant.””
I was at the release party for Frank's first solo album the other day. It was a wonderful crowd of his friends, family, colleagues and students. If you are interested in Contemporary Sacred Music I would highly recommend getting to know the works of Frank La Rocca.
It couldn't hurt to purchase his album either.
No, it's not yet on Amazon or iTunes. But, owning the CD is worth it. The Album art is beautiful and the descriptions of each piece in the jacket (I think that is what they still call it), are worth having. Even the artwork on the CD itself communicates the beauty of its content.
Enjoy!
Also, for Sacred Music nerds: Frank gave a talk at Notre Dame on Sacred Music. The full transcript is on the Notre Dame Sacred Music Blog. Just follow the link.
Go Go Go
One of the strongest pulls in the United States is work. Technology hasn't made this any better like it promised. We are always working. One of the professors at our school says that this is a direct result of the implicit atheism of the modern age. She says that the depression of the modern era effected Europe by sending them into a state of helpless immobility. However, in the United States, she said, we just became really busy. This is definitely my experience. As the years have gone on it has only gotten worse. We are so busy that we have become obsessed with productivity methods. Just look at the plethora of productivity apps available for your electronic devices, the books, podcasts, etc. litter the ethos of current American culture. Literally, we are so busy we can't keep up with our work, so we develop methods so that we can do even more work. It's insanity!
Make no mistake. This is a symptom of a society that lacks true Hope. When we expend so much energy on earthly tasks, how concerned are we with heavenly tasks? We need to reject this cultural trend. Busyness does not lead to holiness. Rather, silence is necessary. Peace is necessary. Contemplation is necessary. Yet, underneath each of these things is something else. In order to live out this call toward contemplation must have leisure.
Leisure?
Yes, leisure. I love how this goes against our American mentality.
Leisure does not mean having the time to sit around and do nothing. It's time that should be used for pursuing virtue and contemplation. It is only in the context of leisure that we can attain to our highest happiness. It could be said that heaven is a perpetual state of leisure.
But we can't wait to attain to the life of contemplation in the next life. We must start that life now in this earthly state.This goes for all of us. Both the layman and the monk must make time for leisure. Yes, even monks get caught in a sort of "rat race" mentality. The monastery isn't a complete refuge from the world. Each monk brings a little bit of the world into the monastery. This is even more true with those of us Religious that have a vocation that takes us frequently into the public square.
Sometimes, as Religious we forget that we need leisure. Often we mistake our Regular Observances for leisure. This is a false understanding of Regular Observance. Public acts of worship like the chanting of the Divine Office or the Celebration of the Mass are not leisurely activities. Rather, they are our most profound work. They are our Opus Dei. Our first job is to fulfill these public obligations of worship with and for the Church. The graces that stem from these are more powerful and effective than any apostolic work or internal ministry we can do. To believe the contrary is to fall into the American sense of usefulness which is fundamentally a form of Utilitarianism. Worse, it could be a type of Pelagianism. Either way it at least looks like either some sort of Messiah complex or a convenient way to avoid intimacy. We must always remember the saying, "there is only one Savior and I am not he."
The activities of leisure are not necessarily bound up with public works. Study, Holy Reading, personal prayer and devotions, communal recreation, these are activities of leisure. These are essential. if we do not take a significant time to embrace silence and enter into these sort of activities then we will never be able to attain to the habit of contemplation. Without contemplation we will never be able to live a properly balanced, happy and holy life.
Our daily labors are not unimportant. I don't want to create a false dichotomy. i just want to point out the current pressing problem. We as a people are currently work oriented. We don't really need to learn how to work more or work harder. Rather, we need to learn how to slow down and make time for leisure. It will make our life more fulfilling and our work more fruitful. We need to learn how to properly balance time for work, refreshment, and leisure. We ought not spend too much time in any of these categories of life. We must learn to enter into each as completely and intensely as possible. For me, as a Dominican, these life categories will be filled with different content than the average layman. However, the common human need is to have a balance between the three.
I would challenge everyone to regularly evaluate their life and see if each of these areas are properly balanced. If not, rearrange what needs to be rearranged. If you can't rearrange then it is probably time to cut something out of your daily life.
Priest Defies Church
Well, it looks like a priest has finally jumped the shark on the issue of women and priestly ordination. Mr. Bourgeois went so far as to preach the homily at a simulated ordination.
This time the Holy See hit back:
““With patience, the Holy See and the Maryknoll Society have encouraged his reconciliation with the Catholic Church,” said a statement from the Maryknoll Society Nov. 19.
“Instead, Mr. Bourgeois chose to campaign against the teachings of the Catholic Church in secular and non-Catholic venues. This was done without the permission of the local U.S. Catholic Bishops and while ignoring the sensitivities of the faithful across the country.”
“Disobedience and preaching against the teaching of the Catholic Church about women’s ordination led to his excommunication, dismissal and laicization.””
Remember this quote. Trust me, the media will carefully neglect to inform us that this man was only dismissed from his Order and the clerical state after a long period of negotiations and attempts at reconciliation. Likely, it will be framed as a draconian move by ecclesiastical despots.
Depression
The funny thing about depression is that it isn't sad. At least, not in my experience.
The sources of my own depression are primarily two-fold. The first is the deep effect my parent's divorce had on me. I know my family reads this blog (hi mom!) so I want them to know that this is not an indictment. Life is what life is. However, truth is true. The trust, stability, and security that one is supposed to experience as a child is forever radically ruptured. Trust becomes difficult or even impossible. This in turn makes love all that more ungraspable. Also, it makes you a little crazy. You begin to think that it is essential for you to be perfect so that you are never abandoned. This is a big fat lie. It is a lie whispered in your ear by Satan and it is lie you constantly tell yourself.
As you get older you realize that perfection is always out of reach. In fact, as I get older it is becoming harder to be perfect. The body and the mind become betrayers. If this perfectionism takes over completely it can lead you into some pretty scary places. The anger that you feel over your imperfections can turn into a very sorry and unfruitful state of life. If you have experienced this sort of emotional self-mutilation you know what I mean. It makes you depressed. You look in the mirror and all you can see is failure. There is little to no consolation for this feeling. You start seeking consolation in the wrong places and usually in the wrong way. This can manifest in any number of compulsions be they sexual, emotional, or activity related compulsions. It is a deep dark rabbit hole that can be very hard to escape once entered.
The other source is from when I was an Undergrad at Texas A&M. My Sophomore year we had a tragedy on campus that forever changed many lives including my own. While our annual Bonfire was being built it collapsed eventually killing 13 people and injuring hundreds. I knew 4 of those who died. Three of them were friends and one, Chris, was one of the freshman in my Corps of Cadets outfit. The last time I saw Chris alive I was being less than kind to him.
Perspective. Death and destruction gives you perspective. You realize that some things can never be undone. On the flip-side you also realize just how precious human life really is. either way, the first time you encounter this it is extremely traumatizing. The first time you encounter mortality in all of its brutality it shakes the very ground upon which you stand. When this happened to me I was immobilized. I didn't eat, I couldn't sleep well. When I did sleep, I couldn't muster the will to get up for our morning activities or go to class. The fire that had been in my heart and been smothered.
This is the feeling of depression. It is the feeling of the inner fire of life being smothered. It isn't a sadness so much as it is a deadness, a numbness. Initially this feeling came upon me because of extreme events in my life. Now, like a chronic illness it is something that just arrises. I never know when it is going to happen. One day I'm on top of the world, the next I'm lower than the foundations of the world. The worst part of it all is that I never recognize what it is until it's almost past. While I'm being held tightly by this feeling it seems normal. It is like an old worn pair of jeans that fit perfectly and comfortably. But, the reality is that it is the opposite of normal. Where there should be feeling there is only numbness.
I think that some people will never fully understand or appreciate this. They interpret my dulled spirit erroneously. Or, maybe, I just think they do. This is part of the problem. The shame of depression. No matter how normal or how clinical depression is made, it is still shaming. The American in me wants to try to hike myself up by my bootstraps and carry on. But it's not that simple. When I'm in the grips of depression I have neither hands to lift with nor bootstraps to grasp. I'm stuck in a state I don't even realize I'm in. When I begin to realize I feel the shame set in. And, like a tortious, back into the shell I go.
This is why I'm eternally grateful for good company. My family is exceptional even in all their flaws. They love intensely as befits Latinos. I've never felt unloved by them. I am fortunate. I understand God's love because I've experienced true unconditional love from my family. They have never allowed their own faults and failings to get in the way of their love for me. This doesn't stave off depression but it does make it bearable. I'm eternally grateful for my 'Buddy' Matt. When I was at my lowest after the collapse of the Bonfire he lit a fire under me, moving me, by the force of his will, and care, out of the depths of depression. Good friends and good family – I'm lucky.
This, I think, has led me to where I am today. I just crawled out of one of these states. One pretty nasty occasion of it I might say. But, the goodness of my Dominican Brothers, their care and concern, their willingness to let me talk through my irrational emotional states has been my consolation. It's funny, they are a fusion of both friends and family. But, why? How? These guys are just a bunch of odd guys who dress funny and live a life inconceivable to most people. Why do they care? How can they care so much? I think it's because they love God. In loving God you can love anything that God loves. In loving God you can hate anything that God hates. As you live this Dominican life, this Christian life, and grow in the capacity to love God more and more you are empowered to love others more and more. I'm for the first time grateful for my depression. I hate it, but I'm grateful. God has willed me to become weak so that I can be an object of charity for others.
My weakness has become salvific.
Obedience
There are two ways to break a window. Either, you can shatter it with a single blow or, you can make a thousand tiny cracks in it. In the end the result is the same. Obedience is similar. Most often, however, we break obedience in those little ways. The large dramatic ones are more rare.
I recognize this all the time in myself and in others. Instead of conforming our will to the will of our superior, our spouse, our boss, or God we often try to duck under it or get around it. There are so many ways to do this that it would just be silly to list them. Plus, I think we all have plenty of personal experience with how we habitually break obedience. But, sometimes we break it without even realizing. An example is when we try to figure out how we can spin a command to align it to my own wants, desires, and needs. But, the virtue of obedience is not to conform the command to me. Rather, it is to conform myself to the command given.
St. Thomas Aquinas has the coolest understanding of obedience that I've come across. It comes from a deep understanding of human nature and a similarly deep understanding of human interactions. He tells us that it is not for the one commanded to pass judgment on the wisdom of the command given. Rather, the one commanded should strive to promptly fulfill the command. However, the one commanded is must determine the time and the place to fulfill the command. Of course, this assumes that the command given is not intrinsically evil.
There is a lot packed into this understanding of obedience. I won't bore you with a complete breakdown. Hopefully, you can see how he beautifully balances human freedom with obedience. What is not clear in this brief statement is the relationship of obedience to God's providence. This is a point that is often forgotten this days. Even in religious life there is a deficit in our understanding of who God's providence interacts with the will of the superior. In my own Order this unity of Divine Providence with the will of the superior was expressed in the formula for written commands. The command would say something like, "it is our will and the will of the Holy Spirit that you ..." Maybe this formula should be restored to help us remember how God fits into things when we receive a command that we don't particularly like. It may helps us remember that we are not to pass judgement on the wisdom of the command given.
There are essentially two reasons why we don't question the wisdom of the command given by the superior. First, we assume the good. Our constant principle for interpreting the actions and words of others must be the principle of charity. We must assume that the one giving the commands is doing his best for everyone concerned. The second reason is because the superior stands in the place of God when he is giving a command. He may not know it. You may not see it. But, God is the master of everything. We can trust that God will work for the good through the commands of someone he has placed over you. This is a scary thought. This means that God has chosen some slob to be the instrument of his will in your life. Well, yeah. But, to some degree we're all slobs. This is, again, why we obey through charity. We assume the good. It sounds naive but it's the right thing to do and its the right way to act. Trust God, trust your superiors, and trust yourself.
Relationships
When I was younger I had so many poorly formed ideas about life, the universe, and everything. 42 just wasn't a sufficient answer. So, I concocted a number of half-baked theories about life. I still have a lot of half-baked theories about life. I guess the difference is that I'm willing to challenge them these days. One of these was about relationships. Not romantic ones, just relationships. I found it fascinating that in all the possibilities of life we encounter people who, on a sliding scale, become deep personal friends or are momentary, seemingly insignificant chance encounters never to be seen again. I was obsessed with that moment of encounter. It is, after all, an amazing thing. The intersection of two lives changes both lives forever. Maybe this is why I became so attached to the philosophy of Personalism. My problem was that I was so entranced by the encounter itself that I lost sight of its purpose.
If we believe in the sovereignty of God over all things we should hopefully see his hand in each encounter. With this in mind my question has changed. I'm still entranced by the mystery of meeting another. Now, however, I want to know why God allowed me to have this new relationship. Why now? Why do I retain older relationships? Why have I lost touch with others? It sounds a little hippie to me but I want to know how God is speaking to me through the other and how God is speaking to them through me. I have no real answers here. I just thought I'd share one of my random thoughts.
I hope you want to know this sort of think too.
Universal Call to Holiness
We all hear about the need to be holy. God tells us. The priest tells us. Mother Angelica tells us. Our Grandmother's tell us. But what does it mean for each of us to have a personal vocation from God to be holy? Yes! Each of us. Essentially it has to do with our baptism. Baptism turns us into something new. A baptized person is essentially different than an unbaptized person. Why? When you were baptized you were grafted onto the Mystical Body of Christ. Just like grafting in horticulture the new limb takes on some of the attributes of the plant to which it has been newly joined. We are joined to Christ. We begin to participate in his nature. We are divinized. In this identification with Christ we specifically participate in his role as priest, prophet, and king.
Our baptismal call is to live out these roles with gusto. Religious life is merely a radical intensification of what all Christians are called to do — how all Christians are called to live. Each of us are called by God on account of our baptism to live a life radically united to him. Look to how a Religious ought to live. That is how you ought to strive to live too. So, you have children and a job. Do what you can. It was said that the house St. Dominic grew up in was more like a Monestary than that of a minor noble and knight. Being a layman is no excuse for neglecting the more rigorous aspects of a radically lived Christian life.
Being baptized has consequences. Christ accepts no half measures. We are held to a higher standard because of the nature we participate in through baptism. His nature! This means all the baptized. Those who poorly live the Christian life, those who deny it, and those who try to live faithfully are all called to the radicality demanded by Christ. All are accountable to God for living that call or for squandering their life following worldly allurements. We too, those actively seeking holiness, must take care. We have an obligation to help all the baptized live this Christian radicality. We must take care that we do not place unnecessary obstacles in the path of those weaker or immature in their faith. We must not build up loads that we are unwilling to carry.
We must always remember that we are sinners. We are afflicted. None of use, myself included, live up to the life required by the Gospel. Therefore we must have mercy on each other. This does not mean we look the other way when a brother sins. On the contrary, we must hold him accountable. But, this accountability is for reconciliation. We are not so much interested in punishment. We are interested in getting people back on the right path. We want to build up not tear down. We are all in various stages of this life. We must try to help each other limp along the path. We must strive to help each other get to heaven. This is what it means to love one another as Christ has loved us.
Christian BE what you already ARE!
Christian Friendship
I was reflecting on the Gospel story of the men who tear through the roof to get their sick friend in to see Jesus. It's really touching. To me it has become an image of true friendship. They work so hard to get him to Jesus without concern for any obstacle. This is what friends do for each other. Many soldiers express this depth of friendship on the battlefield. They say that the reason for fighting changes from being primarily about the mission. They primarily fight for their buddy in the foxhole. An intense common goal is, in fact, the very foundation of friendship. The Greeks understood this. For this reason they numbered friendship as the penultimate type of love. It's greater than eros, i.e., the love of the desirable. It's a shift. We love the other not because of what they can give us. We love them because we share a common cause. What that common cause is defines the friendship. Pirates, for instance, have a vicious friendship. They share a common goal for the sake of whiskey, women, and cold hard cash. Many secular fraternities are little more than pirates without a ship. But a virtuous friendship is often a marvel to behold. Through it, friends are lead to a life of natural happiness.
Even greater, a Christian friendship has the goal of mutual salvation. No foxhole is greater than the spiritual one. How beautiful it is to see such a friendship. It is the building block of the Christian community and especially the Religious community. Remember, even Christ called his own disciples his friends.
Lies & Love
Live Action is in the news again. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the controversy, I'll summarize. Live-action believes that it's okay to lie to your enemies in order to bring about good. Traditional Catholic ethics disagrees with this. That's the essence of the controversy. Many people have written a lot about this so I'll refer you to them particularly Mark Shea who I think has done a really good job of expressing the traditional argument that lying is always a sin. I want to discuss a different point about this. Today I was reading an oldie but a goodie. The book I'm reading is called "Psychic Wholeness and Healing" by Drs. Anna Terruwe and Conrad Baars. The authors have done a very good job of combining Thomistic philosophical anthropology with contemporary psychology. I found one line particular striking. It's basic Thomistic thought but I've never applied it the way in which the authors express it. On page 24 they say, "The will strives for the fulfillment of the loved being." This is a striking statement. One of the points that I've always made to defend the traditional position that lying is always a sin has been from the fundamental nature of the human intellect.
The human mind is designed to discern all truth that can be known. When we lie to someone we deprive their mind of what it is made for. Feeding a persons mind with deliberate falsehood is like feeding a plant bleach. It's destructive. It hinders the flourishing of the object. But if this concept is combined with the statement in the book, then we are faced with a much deeper problem.
To lie to someone is not simply to do violence to their mind by feeding it falsehood. Rather, it is actually a statement that we do not love that person. To love someone is to desire their highest good. If we desire the good for the other then we desire the natural flourishing of the other. But if we lie to a person then we are impeding that person. If we are deliberately impeding the flourishing of that person it means that we do not love that person's flourishing.
By doing this, we have directed our wills not to desire the highest flourishing of the other. This is greatly problematic. The ramifications for a Christian should be obvious. Further, it is inconsistent with Catholic ethics to love the child who is probably about to die in an abortion clinic more than the person committing the evil act of the abortion. We are called to love all including our enemies. In fact, Christ implies that it's more important to love our enemies because even the pagans love their friends. Based on this principle alone we should be very concerned about trying to bring about good through committing an evil act. Any act that violates the nature of a fundamental part of the human person is highly problematic. Being the good guys restricts our actions. We are held to a higher standard because we are upholding the good. It is unacceptable to appropriate the weapons of the enemy in order to win a battle against that enemy.
The Snow White Effect of Perfectionism
When was the last time you went to confession? Has anyone ever asked you this? I hope so. But, most likely you've never even heard a priest ask you. Why? I think that it has to do with the perfectionism I wrote about here. I know this goes against conventional wisdom. But, in my experience, conventional wisdom is generally wrong. A good example is that only some people hold strong positions. Give me a break. If you have an IQ higher than a toaster (thank you Ann Coulter) then you probably hold a lot of strong opinions. Some people just share their strong positions while others pretend to not hold strong opinions while passively aggressively attacking those who don’t share their views. But, I digress. Conventional thinking wants us to believe that it is improper to ask such a private question. Once again, conventional thinking is masking the real issue.
People don’t talk about Confession because of American perfectionism. I, of course, will ask the question of people. Rarely I get an honest answer. But sometimes I do. Among the honest answers I generally get three:
- “I don’t have any sins to confess” (the most common answer I get from older people)
- “I go and nothing changes. So I don’t go anymore” (the most common answer I get from younger people)
- "I'm going to hell anyway ..." (the answer I usually get from middle-aged people)
To get at the heart of the matter we need first to talk about the Sacrament of Confession – what it actually is and what it is not. Confession isn't magic. Confession was not designed by our Lord to expunge our sinfulness like bleach instantly removes stains from clothing. Instead, Confession (or Penance, the name I prefer) works more like the sun. Stains are progressively removed from clothing though persistent exposure. So, we should expect the effects of the Sacrament to work similarly. Another aspect to consider is our disposition toward the sacrament. We shouldn’t go to Confession simply to have our sins forgiven. Instead, we should go to Confession simply because we love God. This difference in disposition is important. It is the difference between selfish motives and altruistic motives.
To summarize what I said about perfectionism last time there are two primary ways it can manifest itself. Either, one engages in hyper-self-reflection or no self-reflection. The first answer I usually get from people about why they don’t go to Confession is an example of the latter. It is not fundamentally important that there is no self-reflection happening in these people’s lives. What's important is the reason for the lack of self-reflection. It is painful. In a culture that struggles with perfectionism we are become like the Witch-Queen in Snow White. When I gaze into the magic mirror I discover that I am not the fairest one in the land. Then we begin to compare ourselves to others in unrealistic ways. I am then left with seemingly two options. Either I need to pretend that I am the best or I need to destroy those who I perceive to be better than me. Because, in a perfectionist society it is unacceptable to be less than the best, the most beautiful, the smartest, the holiest, the most pius in the land. If I’m not the best then I’m worthless, I’m unlovable. But let's leave malice aside for now. If I chose to pretend it's safer never look into the mirror. If I never look into the mirror, I’m free to live in a sheer, self-made delusion of self-perfection. I protect my weakness with cowardice. I don't approach Confession because it requires true self-reflection and is, therefore, terrifying.
The second response is more reasonable. But, along with treating Confession as a magical process it also misses the whole point of the Christian life. The Christian life is not fundamentally about me being perfect. The Christian life is about the love of God. When we approach the Sacrament of Penance in a selfish way we come seeking God’s mercy imperfectly. Essentially, we are testing God. We are saying that we will keep his commandments if he proves his love for us by taking away our imperfections. I groan, "if only God would remove sin x, then I could be a mystic." "Every day I would levitate and heal the sick. "Maybe I would get that cool Stigmata thing like St. Francis." But, doesn’t Christ say something about carrying ones own cross? I would challenge anyone to find where God ever promises to make us perfect. A brief read of the lives of the saints helps wash away the delusion that the saints were perfect people. They were jerks just like the rest of us. I think this is why Christ preaches mercy and forgiveness. Mercy and forgiveness are only needed in a land plagued with imperfect people. Instead of wanting God to remove our imperfections in Confession we might simply try to go to Confession for God's sake and not our own sake.
Both of these last responses are rooted in the narcissism that's inherent in a perfectionist society. But, notice, both of them are born out of despair. They are different desperate responses to the same impossible standards our society places upon each of us. This brings me to the third response I get. I don’t get it as often. It only appears, generally, after a long relationship with someone. It is the response of ultimate despair. It is the last cry of a hardened heart. Think about what’s really being said. It isn't "I'm choosing to go to hell" it is "I'm going to hell." Maybe put more explicitly, "God is sending me to hell ...". Yet, what is in the mind of this person is, “I’m so imperfect, so unlovable that even God hates me.” This is a very sad place to be. To feel so poorly about one's lovability that hell is inevitable is its own sort of hell. Each time we act without mercy toward the sinner we are contributing to such a person's hell.
But let's not despair. The solution to this phenomenon is easy and the solution is the same for each. GO TO CONFESSION! There is no secret formula, no magic pill. Simply, go to Confession and keep going. That’s the hard part. Perseverance in going to confession is hard. As a consecrated Religious the Second Vatican Council exhorts me to go to Confession once a month. That can be hard. Do I always make it? No. Do I try? Most of the time. I love going to Confession, I hate getting to Confession. It’s silly, I know. It's irrational and stupid but, it's true. And, I know it's true for many people. But regardless, we must persevere in going to Confession. If we truly desire to fight perfectionism this is the first and most powerful step we must take. It’s the beginning, middle, and final step. So, get up, put on your big kid pants, run through a good examination of conscious and get to a confessional near you.
