The Snow White Effect of Perfectionism

When was the last time you went to confession? Has anyone ever asked you this? I hope so. But, most likely you've never even heard a priest ask you. Why? I think that it has to do with the perfectionism I wrote about here. I know this goes against conventional wisdom. But, in my experience, conventional wisdom is generally wrong. A good example is that only some people hold strong positions. Give me a break. If you have an IQ higher than a toaster (thank you Ann Coulter) then you probably hold a lot of strong opinions. Some people just share their strong positions while others pretend to not hold strong opinions while passively aggressively attacking those who don’t share their views. But, I digress. Conventional thinking wants us to believe that it is improper to ask such a private question. Once again, conventional thinking is masking the real issue.

People don’t talk about Confession because of American perfectionism. I, of course, will ask the question of people. Rarely I get an honest answer. But sometimes I do. Among the honest answers I generally get three:

1. “I don’t have any sins to confess” (the most common answer I get from older people)
2. “I go and nothing changes. So I don’t go anymore” (the most common answer I get from younger people)
3. "I'm going to hell anyway ..." (the answer I usually get from middle-aged people)

To get at the heart of the matter we need first to talk about the Sacrament of Confession – what it actually is and what it is not. Confession isn't magic. Confession was not designed by our Lord to expunge our sinfulness like bleach instantly removes stains from clothing. Instead, Confession (or Penance, the name I prefer) works more like the sun. Stains are progressively removed from clothing though persistent exposure. So, we should expect the effects of the Sacrament to work similarly. Another aspect to consider is our disposition toward the sacrament. We shouldn’t go to Confession simply to have our sins forgiven. Instead, we should go to Confession simply because we love God. This difference in disposition is important. It is the difference between selfish motives and altruistic motives.

To summarize what I said about perfectionism last time there are two primary ways it can manifest itself. Either, one engages in hyper-self-reflection or no self-reflection. The first answer I usually get from people about why they don’t go to Confession is an example of the latter. It is not fundamentally important that there is no self-reflection happening in these people’s lives. What's important is the reason for the lack of self-reflection. It is painful. In a culture that struggles with perfectionism we are become like the Witch-Queen in Snow White. When I gaze into the magic mirror I discover that I am not the fairest one in the land. Then we begin to compare ourselves to others in unrealistic ways. I am then left with seemingly two options. Either I need to pretend that I am the best or I need to destroy those who I perceive to be better than me. Because, in a perfectionist society it is unacceptable to be less than the best, the most beautiful, the smartest, the holiest, the most pius in the land. If I’m not the best then I’m worthless, I’m unlovable. But let's leave malice aside for now. If I chose to pretend it's safer never look into the mirror. If I never look into the mirror, I’m free to live in a sheer, self-made delusion of self-perfection. I protect my weakness with cowardice. I don't approach Confession because it requires true self-reflection and is, therefore, terrifying.

The second response is more reasonable. But, along with treating Confession as a magical process it also misses the whole point of the Christian life. The Christian life is not fundamentally about me being perfect. The Christian life is about the love of God. When we approach the Sacrament of Penance in a selfish way we come seeking God’s mercy imperfectly. Essentially, we are testing God. We are saying that we will keep his commandments if he proves his love for us by taking away our imperfections. I groan, "if only God would remove sin x, then I could be a mystic." "Every day I would levitate and heal the sick. "Maybe I would get that cool Stigmata thing like St. Francis." But, doesn’t Christ say something about carrying ones own cross? I would challenge anyone to find where God ever promises to make us perfect. A brief read of the lives of the saints helps wash away the delusion that the saints were perfect people. They were jerks just like the rest of us. I think this is why Christ preaches mercy and forgiveness. Mercy and forgiveness are only needed in a land plagued with imperfect people. Instead of wanting God to remove our imperfections in Confession we might simply try to go to Confession for God's sake and not our own sake.

Both of these last responses are rooted in the narcissism that's inherent in a perfectionist society. But, notice, both of them are born out of despair. They are different desperate responses to the same impossible standards our society places upon each of us. This brings me to the third response I get. I don’t get it as often. It only appears, generally, after a long relationship with someone. It is the response of ultimate despair. It is the last cry of a hardened heart. Think about what’s really being said. It isn't "I'm choosing to go to hell" it is "I'm going to hell." Maybe put more explicitly, "God is sending me to hell ...". Yet, what is in the mind of this person is, “I’m so imperfect, so unlovable that even God hates me.” This is a very sad place to be. To feel so poorly about one's lovability that hell is inevitable is its own sort of hell. Each time we act without mercy toward the sinner we are contributing to such a person's hell.

But let's not despair. The solution to this phenomenon is easy and the solution is the same for each. GO TO CONFESSION! There is no secret formula, no magic pill. Simply, go to Confession and keep going. That’s the hard part. Perseverance in going to confession is hard. As a consecrated Religious the Second Vatican Council exhorts me to go to Confession once a month. That can be hard. Do I always make it? No. Do I try? Most of the time. I love going to Confession, I hate getting to Confession. It’s silly, I know. It's irrational and stupid but, it's true. And, I know it's true for many people. But regardless, we must persevere in going to Confession. If we truly desire to fight perfectionism this is the first and most powerful step we must take. It’s the beginning, middle, and final step. So, get up, put on your big kid pants, run through a good examination of conscious and get to a confessional near you.

Perfectionism

Striving for perfection is not always a bad thing. Our Lord even commands us to be perfect even as God is perfect. However, too often in human history this desire for perfection can be a dangerous companion. If allowed to wander too far away from the reality of our human condition it quickly turns on us and consumes our very humanity. Perfectionism, as it is sometimes called, is like gluttony or lust. It is a beast with an insatiable hunger consuming everything in its path. It is never satisfied because we can never fully satisfy it's demands. This sort of perfection seeking is, however, a constituent part of our American society. It has always been present because of the Puritan roots of this nation. Even in our contemporary age where Puritanism is among our list of pejorative terms, the Puritan spirit of perfectionism persists. We all feel its constant pressures in our daily lives. Even as I write this article the desire for perfection haunts me. And, if I succumb to its cravings I'll never finish because: "My work will not be good enough." "It will be ridiculed." "It will fall on deaf ears (or blind eyes in this case)." Sounds neurotic doesn't it? Well, it is. But, it is a neurosis born of this American sickness of perfectionism.

I was recently at a conference where the topic was stewardship. One presenter spoke about hospitality in the context of parish life. While I agreed that parishes could do a better job at welcoming new parishioners I was concurrently disturbed by the suggestions offered to accomplish this. I wasn't so much disturbed by the suggestions of handshaking before Mass or playing fast and loose with the rubrics for this (I'm already accustomed to such silliness). What disturbed me was something the presenter seemed unaware of in all her suggestions. Innocently, no doubt, she seemed to think that we needed a set program and policy for greeting people. When I realized this I finally understood how ill our culture has become.

One example given by the presenter was noticing a new person, after Mass, standing alone not interacting with the group. She suggested that there needed to be a strategy established to welcome that person into the community. I couldn't help but smile when some of the older attendees shouted out, "just go introduce yourself!" I immediately thanked God for the wisdom of the older and more 'human' generations. It was that simple, say hi. Take the initiative. No batteries required. The presenter seemed dumbfounded.

As I relished the indignant confusion of the presenter I realized something. By and large, we don't know how to just say hi anymore. By that I mean, we have damaged our capacity for basic human interactions. But, why? Simply, we have all become insecure pre-teens at a middle school dance waiting for someone else to make the first move. But, why? Because we are terrified. We are terrified that we will be judged insufficient, incapable, uninteresting, imperfect. I think this is the real reason online communities like Facebook have become so popular. We are protected by a computer screen and fancy programming from ever having to take any real steps toward the necessary intimacy, and therefore vulnerability, required for any real human relationship. Have you noticed, you are alerted when someone 'friends' you but you are not alerted when someone 'de-friends' you? We are insulated from the possibility of a failed relationship. We are safe. We are stupid.

All of this is born out of our fear of being imperfect. It stops us from so many wonderful possibilities and adventures. Remember the old saying, "better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"? Well, it's true. But if we succumb to perfectionism we will never take the first step. We will be paralyzed by the fear of rejection. We will be paralyzed by the fear of being discovered. People may discover that we are imperfect, flawed, hairy, smelly, unwashed, sinful, human beings. We fear that our humanity might accidentally show.

In the simple human act of greeting someone new I can hear the litany of insecurity being recited in my mind. What if they don't like me? What if my breath stinks? What if they don't like my cloths? What if they can't understand my accent? Are my teeth white? Is my hair sticking up? What will I say? What if I don't have anything to say? What if I'm unlovable? And so we let the opportunity of friendship pass because we are paralyzed in our own minds. Or worse, the litany takes on an accusatory tone. I'm too fat. I'm too stupid. I'm not interesting. I'm unlovable. Why would he want to know me? Depressing, no? But I'm sure we have all heard these litanies over and over again in our minds.

The destruction that perfectionism has done to us is enormous. It has led us all into antisocial and narcissistic behavior patters. When we need a program, policy, or trained team to welcome people into a community we have, without a doubt, lost our way as a society. In a perfectionist society there is no room for mercy. We are either unmerciful toward others in demanding perfection from them or we lack mercy on ourselves and the litanies begin. But mercy is necessary to have a healthy society. Also, the possibility of empathy is lost because we are constantly focused on ourselves. But empathy is necessary to have a healthy society. And, most tragically, we lose intimacy because we lose the freedom to become vulnerable. So we supplement intimacy with false alternatives like casual sex and social networking. Everything is placed at a distance but we never enter into meaningful relations. But meaningful relations are one of the primary needs of the human person. If we don't receive them we necessarily fall into all sorts of self-destructive behavior.

This, then, will begin a series on the different concrete ways that perfectionism harms our secular and spiritual life. I'll try to diagnose some common ailments and then provide some practical solutions to each. So, as always, stay tuned. And, in the meantime, resolve to introduce yourself to at least one new person a week. Imagine the possibilities that could open up before you. Imagine the possibility of true friendship.

Gratitude

Mr. Lewis was sitting at a pub and struck up a conversation with a younger man sitting next to him. Shortly thereafter the food Mr. Lewis ordered arrived. He bowed his head in silent prayer and began to eat his meal. At first, the young man was concerned. He asked Mr. Lewis if everything was okay. Mr. Lewis explained that it was his custom to offer thanks to God for each meal before eating it. The young man became indignant. He boldly asserted that he never thanked God for his own meals because it was his own labors that provided his meals. So, when a meal was placed before him he never offered thanks. He would simply begin eating. Mr. Lewis responded, "Yes, my dog does that too."

I don't know whether this account is an apocryphal story or not. It does fit the temperament of C.S. Lewis (maybe J.R.R. Tolkien even more). Regardless, it has constantly intruded upon my mind ever since I first heard it. It is, however, a story from which we can learn many lessons. Gratitude, I think, is the first lesson to be learned from the story.

We should all have a profound sense of gratitude. Why? Isn't the young man in the story correct. Is it not our labors that bring about our great achievements? On the contrary, we should be grateful because everything that we are and everything that we have and everything that we do is somehow dependent upon others. This is easy to forget. In my own experience, and through my own faults, I have seen a tremendous lack of gratitude in our culture. The poverty of "Thank You" cards and the preponderance of advertisements carried by the US Postal Service is enough to demonstrate this point. When we forget to be grateful for others we quickly lose the sense of gratitude all together.

We soon forget that we were dependent upon others for everything. Consider a college education. The teachers, professors, benefactors, government, etc, are all persons and institutions toward whom we should be grateful. Without each, the government to provide funding and freedom, benefactors who freely contribute financially to the mission of a school, teachers and professors who share their expertise with us, these, and more, are all needed to provide each of us a college education. Likewise, the Church. If we forget to be grateful toward the priest who provides us the sacraments, through the ministry of the Church, we forget to be grateful for the One who sent him. But, both the sacred and profane spheres of our life (and our very life) are dependent upon the love and goodness of God. When we lack gratitude toward the individuals and institutions who contribute to life's benefits we are also being ungrateful to God, the source and giver of all benefits.

So, what's the point? What can be done? I'll call it, preemptive gratitude. Our Catholic tradition of prayer provides us with the model. Consider a meal. We offer our thanksgiving before the meal and then grace after it. Likewise, the Mass. There is a prayer at the beginning and a prayer at the conclusion of Mass. This model of prayer reminds us to be grateful for the giver of the gift first, then to be grateful afterwards for the reception of the gift.

What are ways that we can be grateful before we have received the fruits of another's labors? Life is a great gift that we should welcome, the company shared with another is a great gift we should welcome, the work of the priest, the teacher, the parent, the politician. We need to be preemptively grateful toward all those who make the good things in our life possible. We need to do this in appropriate concrete ways. How can you demonstrate your gratitude? I can envision some concrete ways how preemptive gratitude can change lives. So, how can you be preemptively grateful today?

Bump in the Road

My plan to get an email address specifically for this blog has been delayed. For some reason Apple didn't register properly my request to delete one of my iCloud aliases. It happens. But, one more week and it should be ready. In the mean time I'm working on a blog post that is about something near and dear to my heart. Stay tuned.

Site Design

I really hate the endless list of links, books, and blogs that adorn most left or right blog columns. To spare everyone, including myself, of this phenomenon I'll create additional pages that list that sort of info. Yeah, it will be in a post that I'll update on occasion. Yeah, that isn't as clean as doing it another way. But, this is a free Wordpress account, my options are limited. If someone wants to pay for a SquareSpace account along with my own domain then I'll consider doing something different. Until then, I'm doing what I do with what I got.

I Love the Apple Store

Tuesday is my day off from ministerial responsibilities. Usually I'll spend the day at home listening to podcasts, watching Stargate SG-1, going to the dollar movie theater, scoping out a new eatery, and hiding at the Mall. I thoroughly enjoy hiding at the mall. It's one of the few places I feel solitude (but that's for another post). But lately I've been taking advantage of the classes at the Apple Store. Some of you may be surprised. I can hear a cacophony of voices raised in incredulity, "why don't you spend your day before the Blessed Sacrament in contemplation!" (<— no question mark because when people ask this "question" it isn't really a question. It tends to be a passive aggressive accusation). My only response to these people is an attempt at education. They may not understand the human requirements of holiness. Holiness is achieved differently in each person. It is not necessarily achieved by spending hours upon hours in prayer. Holiness is achieved, however, by integrating prayer and contemplation into the mundane activities of life. Holiness is achieved through becoming an integrated and balanced human person infused by God's sanctifying, transformative grace. Prayer before the Blessed Sacrament, Holy Reading, and other acts of piety have their place and shouldn't be neglected. However, watching movies, golfing, weaving, painting, and other leisure activities do have a place. We should strive for a life that is balanced in it's activities but intensely Christocentric in each activity.

I think Americans have a hard time understanding this. We are taught at a young age that activities that don't produce a tangible product are superfluous. Because of this we have a hard time understanding why leisure is a necessary component to holiness. This is why the life of the priest is not understood (even by priests). This is why the life of the religious, or monk is scorned in a production based society. The monk should make something. The friar should get a job. We privilege what we perceive to be productive over what we perceive to be unproductive. As American Catholics we perceive prayer to be productive and reading Robert Jordan to be unproductive. Prayer is in, art is out. When reduced this way, it's easy to see the Puritan influence on our thinking.

I'm reminded of the second Master of my Order, Blessed Jordan of Saxony, when I speak about this topic. On a certain occasion, the nuns asked him how much time he spent in prayer each day. His response was striking. He said that he didn't spend any time in prayer, he was too busy preaching. I'm sure the nuns were scandalized.

I wonder how many people take advantage of the Apple Store classes? More people should. The beauty of the architecture, and the products are enough reason to be there. I'm a Mac nerd so I love spending time at the Apple Store. But, to learn about new apps and product functionality that can help my workflow (the salvation of souls) defines my flavor of nerdy bliss. As long as Apple continues to offer classes that aren't simply introductory level I'll be there. I highly recommend you do the same. Don't have a Mac? No iDevice? I'll pray for you ... when I find the time.

Planning

I have a bit of advice for everyone. If you need to schedule anything in conjunction with the Church please, please, speak to your parish first. This is especially true when you're planning a wedding or a baptism. You may find out that the Church has some requirements that you must meet prior to scheduling the event.

It is not uncommon to find an angry bride when she discovers that there's a six month period of preparation required by the Church in most Diocese prior to getting married. It isn't fun telling the couple that they will need to move the date even though the announcements have already been mailed out. It is also difficult on everyone when the person responsible for preparing the family and proposed godparents for a baptism has to tell them that one or both proposed godparents aren't qualified. It is always an a awkward conversation when you have to inform your sister that she can't be a godparent because she is in an irregular marriage after you have already asked her.

The rites of the Church are not ceremonies that we should enter into without consideration. They effect us in a substantial way. They are the most significant moments in our life. Yet, we treat them as mere accessories – nice but not essential. They become occasions of friend and family networking instead of encounters with the living God. We must need have a greater sense of care when it comes to our liturgical life, our sacramental life. So please, when you make a todo list for these sort of events place "contacting the parish" at the top of the list. Everyone will thank you for it. If they don't, they should.

How This Will Work

So, I've been wondering exactly how I'm going to organize this blog. I was speaking to one of the students here at St. Catherine of Siena Catholic Newman Center and it was suggested that I answer questions. I think that's a good idea. I'm setting up a public email address for this purpose. I hope this will be a good way to keep me honest. I'm telling you, I'm really bad at keeping up a blog. I'll need your help to make this successful. If I don't post something for a while somebody please say something on my Facebook page. It'll be very helpful. One thing I must remember is that for this venture to be successful I need to write about things that interest me. If I attempt to please everybody, I'm sure I'll please nobody. I'll answer questions; but, I'll need a lot of original content. It's going to take about a week to set up the email address. I had to delete one of my aliases from my iCloud account to create one specifically for this blog. I don't know why, but once you delete an alias it's seven days before you can create a new alias. I'm not complaining. iCloud is a lot better than MobileMe. (Warning: I'm a Mac dork. As a result you'll likely get some Apple stuff from time to time.) But, once the email address is ready I think it'll be a great opportunity for everybody. And no, I will not just take out a Gmail account. I'm in the process of divorcing Google. In the meantime, stay tuned, I'll make sure to not let the electronic wells run dry.

Those of you that are following this blog on Facebook let me know what you think. I'll be interested to read your thoughts.

Welcome

Welcome to my new blog. I see a blog as a place where people can express deeper thoughts than other forms of social media. Because of this I will not be accepting comments on my blog posts. However, I do want to create a space for conversation. To help with these conversations I have linked this blog to my Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn accounts. I hope to hear from you in those locations.